some venting

I guess loneliness hit me today.

Last week, it was hard for me to imagine tiring of Fiji, of losing energy, of getting homesick. But it's been a busy week, and just today I'm starting to feel a little drained.

I have lovely people here who are caring and supportive and positive. But I've known them all for only 3 weeks, and they all only know the part of me that is here. I wish there was more time to connect with people regularly on the kind of deeper level I wish I could.  But things are busy and we keep moving, which keeps things interesting, but some days, it wears on me.

There is also a dynamic that has been created a little bit, because I am the keeper of the money, and I sort of dole out the resources (which are very limited)... people (especially my fellow staff members) come to me when they want something and often are arguing in favor of how they deserve it. They are incredibly understanding and sensitive about doing this with me, because they don't want me to feel that way. But also, they want to do their jobs well, and need what they need, and I am often the one who has to say "I see how you need and deserve that thing, but that is not the purpose of the resources I have to give out." People have gone out of their way to make me feel appreciated and not left out even on days when I am locked in the office for hours taking care of some paperwork and money thing. Last night someone brought me dinner while I was working.

But right now, I am mainly missing the people who know me well, who have known me for more than 3 weeks and understand the whole me a little bit better. When my day goes from crazy-busy-everyone-needs-me to suddenly everyone is gone and I have to do a lot of work all alone, and then in the evening it's back to crazy-busy-everyone-needs-me again... I wish for familiar hugs, and chats over coffee (actual, brewed coffee), and a dog who loves me more than anyone who will lay down and cuddle with me (the dogs here are sweet, but not really the kind you can cuddle with), and long, tangent-filled email conversations, and people who know my rhythms and my ups and downs... not to mention those little, decompressing moments, when Bryan and I are at home and in the kitchen and I am sitting on the counter in the corner near the dishwasher and we're venting about some thing that frustrates us and working toward letting it go for the evening or for the weekend.

It makes sense I feel this way today, because yesterday was a particularly rough day. The efforts I made to re-energize didn't really work out, and the things I was working hard on required a lot more effort than I expected. Every effort I went out of my way to put in ended up feeling like it was not enough. For example, I utilized a little window of free time to hunt all over town for a microphone I could plug into my computer so I could capture some of the amazing sounds of Fiji (because the sounds are an absolutely huge part of what makes it so amazing here for me, and I forgot to pack my audio recorder which feels so heartbreaking) but the microphone ended up not really working for that purpose, and I only have 3 days to get back to town to return it, which means another chaotic, errand running day. (Errands in town take FOREVER.) So a lot of effort ended in major disappointment, and potentially the loss of $70.

Tomorrow a new group comes in, which means a new beginning, but also another crazy day of counting money. Things feel disorganized and I don't know how to get them organized without things like file drawers and storage containers and labels. (I brought one stack of post it notes with me, but it's almost out.)

So, I just sort of needed to get out some of the negative stuff, because I'm feeling it today. I also have a headache and probably am a little dehydrates, so once that changes, things will probably start looking up.